The Life Cycle Of Couples In Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky And Elsewhere
We fall in love and live happily ever after. Not a cross word said between us and we can never get enough of each other. We think alike and always agree. S/he is totally attuned to me. It’s always wonderful.
Is this what being a couple is really like? Sometimes we might condescend to refer to it as Puppy Love but I would say that I have worked with a lot of very old puppies. No, this seems to be one of the stages that most of us go through when we ‘fall in love’. Some people will suggest that that is not really love.
Don’t you agree that we all talk about love as if we know it’s exact form or definition. We can go back to Greek Philosophers who tried to categorize love into Eros(romantic or sexual), Philia (affectionate friendship), Agape (universal/altruistic), Storge (familial), etc. It’s depicted in paintings, poems, literature, songs, dictionaries, psychology, scriptures and philosophies. What the hell is it??
Is the love of two teenagers who yearn for each other, sexually and emotionally, the real deal or is it the octogenarian couple who sit quietly, make a cup of tea for each other, light a fire and warm up the car for the other? Is it the young couple who are exhausted from energized toddlers while dealing with another pregnancy and two demanding jobs? Is it the ones who struggle through wars and famines and terminal illnesses. Maybe it’s the couple who forgive the unforgivable.
Is it just to do with couples or is it to do with self or maybe it’s the world?
Love is not something we can define. To define it is to impoverish what it is. It’s okay for us to try, and important to acknowledge that it is always going to be bigger than. All the things above are aspects of this thing we call love. I like to use the French term, “Je ne sais quoi” (it’s that something that I can’t quite define). It’s so complex that we minimize it, if we think we have the ultimate meaning.
With my own marriage and the privilege I have of couples sharing their stories with me, I can see the truth in all the things I have just written. I would add to these, commitment. Life can be so hard at times and marriage, although it can be wonderful, also entails pain and struggle. There’s no other relationship that has so many expectations. It’s vital that the individuals learn to truly love self. If they can then the struggles of the committed intimate relationship will be more manageable because each person can adapt more easily to the difference of the other. While we are working on our relationship I need to be able to have commitment that does not depend on ‘nice’ feelings about the other. We can be so hurt and angry with the other, at times, and commitment holds us in there. Feelings are important of course and rationality and commitment are also necessary. This is where I feel happy and emotionally healthy older couples have a lot to teach us. They know a lot about the blessing of durable love. If they have truly learned to love self then they have a very broad perspective of the human person and the couple. They know, a lot, about what love is and the benefits of working through the struggles. They can have an experience of bliss that comes through acceptance of life. They are more likely to know what true connection is. Maybe that is what love is too. Knowing that we are all connected.