Communication
Funny that I see the need to write a blog about how we often think our words are so clear and yet they are not. Three people see an accident and the police officer separates them and asks them to describe what they saw. Will they all have seen it the same way? No! In the USA at this time, we are watching the political parties and the courts try to define what is meant by a law or parts of the Constitution that were very carefully spelled out, to ensure clarity. Are they exact? No! That’s why there are hearings and discussions. Communication is complex in how it is issued and in how it is received. So, it is a bit funny that I am trying to convey something to you by written communication. I will do my best to be clear😊
As a Couples Therapist I too have to work with this issue. So many couples come to me in despair, frustrated, blowing up, cutting off or shutting down. The people who come to me are mostly those who love each other and want to communicate better. They yearn for it. They are exhausted from trying to achieve it and coming to me is another attempt. Over the years I have worked with people from many walks of life, with varying degrees of education and wealth and from their twenties to eighties. I work WITH the couple and deal with personality influences, Family of Origin impacts and contexts. The work is not easy for them, and is multi-faceted.
As I begin with a couple, one of the first things I give to them is the information I am giving you below. I say it is our baseline if we want to improve our communication. Encouraging them to become very familiar with the contents of the page, I say that from now on they should challenge themselves and I too will try to help. I hope you will also work hard to apply them in your intimate relationship.
General Communication Information for the Beginning of Therapy
- Try to think in terms of Circular Causation rather than Linear. The issue with our communication does not begin with one of us (Linear) but is a Mutually Created Dynamic.
- Try to remove BUT as a connector when talking to each other. It usually disqualifies a positive statement made at the beginning of a sentence.
- Distinguish between Feelings and Perceptions. For example: I feel that you really don’t care about me. My partner might then say that s/he does care and is annoyed that I am ‘feeling’ that way. I can then strongly state that it’s my Feeling. In other words, it’s a fact that cannot be disputed. The fact is that I have wrongly used the word feeling. I would be clearer if I said, my Perception is ……….. A perception is a mental construct and it can be questioned or elaborated on.
- Stop using the word Make, in conversations with and about your partner. This is about positive or negative things. Rather than say you Make me happy/angry/anxious/sad/etc., try to change to, when you do or say …….. I feel happy/angry/anxious/sad/etc. My feelings are not simply created by you.
- When talking about your relationship try to avoid saying WE. It will help if you talk about I/you/he/she. This is a little more risky and brings more clarity to what your perception is.
- Where possible exclude Superlatives when discussing your relationship. They tend to lead to despair. Even if you say, “95% of the time you ……….”, it leaves some hope. Superlatives are usually wrong.
- Always check out your presumptions.
- Try get used to seeing things in terms of Both/And rather than Either/Or. I or you can be good people and still do something bad, etc