How Long Will It Take To Really Get To Know Each Other?
No one ever knows the heart of anyone else! For God’s sake, I am not totally sure about all that is part of me. It’s like a never-ending quest. I get to know myself, bit by bit, and never getting to the end. Don’t you agree?
Isn’t it funny then how we then think we know or should know our lover/partner/spouse? It’s not possible. Therapists don’t totally know their clients either. As humans we are so complex and multifaceted. I have people of all ages and stages come to me for Couples Therapy. They are often frustrated in their lack of understanding or being understood. They want to be close and have a deeper connection and are struggling. “Why would you think like that?”, “Do you even know who I am?”, “How come you have never shared that before?”, “ I never knew that?”, etc.
When we are getting it right we feel anchored and have tons of energy. We help each other. We are there for the other. We work as a team. We feel understood. Our intimacy and sex lives are healthier. We do a better job in raising children. Humans seek relationship. They yearn to be connected.
If I know myself more, I am more likely to relate with my partner in healthier ways and be less reactive. Age does help those who really want to be healthier. They have worked on it and continue to do so. To communicate better I must be ready to catch myself from just following my emotions. My feelings are just that, feelings, and they don’t need to dictate my behavior, if I know more of myself. When I know more of myself I can have all the same feelings that lead me to poorer communication or behavior BUT I consciously try to intercept the words or behaviors that I know will be detrimental to the desire to get connection. I begin to realize that the emotions often arise from perceptions and perceptions are hugely impacted from my childhood experiences/context.
So, the length of time to really know the other is hugely dependent on the willingness I have to understand me. If both people are open to explore the self and share many aspects of that knowledge with their partner, then we will get to connection and intimacy much more quickly. The endeavor is lifelong and a process. It’s challenging and involves struggle and conflict along with deep joy and fulfillment but it’s what gives life meaning and purpose and it’s worth it!