Being ME in a Healthy Loving Relationship
The Czech poet, Rainer Maria Rilke said, “I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people; that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other”. This would not be a verse on the average Valentine’s card that tells us we should be conjoint if we are truly in love. However, in my experience of working with couples over the years I have found that the troubles in relationships have a lot to do with not accepting the individuality of spouses.
If we want to grow in love, it takes action on our part. Love has to mature, no matter how beautiful it is at the beginning. A bud is usually never as beautiful as the mature flower and yet it has to be there before the flower can exist. We need to actively work at our intimate relationship because there are so many other things that take our focus off the relationship. To mature is to change and we all know that most changes involve growth and pain. Too often we think pain should not be part of our intimate relationships.
What can I do to feel happy with my partner and ensure that love is the center of our union, rather than simply functioning? Am I waiting on my spouse to change his or her approach? This is such a common stance and yet it leaves me with such frustration and disappointment and my partner feeling attacked and defensive. YOU must be the one to try bring the change that you desire. We can’t change our partners but we can try to change ourselves and our approach to each situation. Our defenses, that predate our marriage, inhibit us from being vulnerable to our spouses and the result can be a deep sense that I am not being understood and am not fulfilling myself. Blaming the partner is so easy and has very little chance of helping my growth.
I need to fulfill myself. I need to let down some of the defenses that keep my wife/husband from truly knowing me. I am the one who needs to clarify my feelings, needs, wants and desires. Most people are usually vulnerable when they first meet and yet then get consumed by all the other aspects of life. Try not to be just another person. Start to work on bringing about what you feel a need for in life. It’s ideal if your spouse will start with you but if they won’t then start yourself and there’s more chance that they will then move with you. It won’t be easy but what’s the alternative? Don’t try to bring huge changes about but do little things that will make a difference for you and the relationship. Maybe it will be taking time off to reflect or showing more awareness of your partner as you part in the morning or return in the evening. You could establish a date night or day each week. Try to touch more or ask more about how your spouse’s day went. Exercise together, etc. Just don’t let your marriage grow old but help it to grow new each day of this busy life. Sometimes you can’t do it alone and that’s when you need to look for the help of an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist, who you can relate to.