How Can We Be In Love If You Don’t Understand Me?

We married quite young and loved each other. I could look after your needs and you were my Savior. We worked hard and built our careers. Our children were born and our life was busy and good. We were fortunate and able to be financially secure. You were a good person and so was I. We protected our children and became more comfortable, financially. Our sexual intimacy was okay too.

What happened? What went wrong? Where did we lose our connection? Did we ever really have a connection? You are a good person and so am I but you drive me crazy (in a bad way).

This is a common scenario in committed intimate relationships/marriage. Some people stick at it and some people get out of it. It seems to be that if we change partner then things will be better. Even if we know we (personally) have problems, we are inclined to follow that knowledge with BUT …………    It’s hard not to point the finger at the other. For other people it can be hard not to point the finger at self. Constantly to see myself as the one with the flaws.

In my own marriage and in the marriages I have worked with, for over three decades now, it seems to be our Default to want to point the finger at one person. It’s a trap and part of our linear way of seeing and dealing with life and relationship issues. As a Systemic Marriage & Family Therapist, I know that the issue is not one person but the Mutually Created Dynamic. I chose this form of training because it made sense to me. All things are interrelated. Contexts are relevant. It’s the proverbial “Chick and Egg”. We need to focus more on Circular Causation!

This is not to ignore that each of us can have significant problems or that we have done something to violate the other. Nor is it to say, that every couple should stay together, no matter what. It is more to say that we need to work on self as part of a dynamic that is happening in relationship with a partner. The part of that dynamic that I can do something about, is my part. How can I operate in a healthier way? What has early life trained me to be that is not helping me to be my best self and how is that learned tendency impacting my feelings and communication?

Reflection with books, Podcasts, prayer, etc can open some new understandings to help me grow. I know what I am about to say sounds like a sales pitch, but it is true. If we can find a good Systemically trained Marriage & Family Therapist, whom both of us feel we can relate to and trust, then there is greater potential to discover and be my TRUE SELF. When I am more in touch with my true self, my approach to relationship and communication will be more Adaptive and the ability to lovingly accept the other will be enhanced.  Also, I can now be open to feeling loved because I am no longer a Pretender and know that my lover knows and loves ME.