Cincinnati Husbands and Anger Problems
Men. What did we learn to do with our vulnerable feelings? If a man is sad, frightened, hurt or lonely, what is he likely to express? Anger. Why does that happen? Well, in our western societies men are contextually told that ‘big boys don’t cry’ and that the vulnerable feelings need to be covered up, or you will be seen as weak, not manly and may even be bullied. As parents and teachers, we will often gently comfort the little girl and encourage the little boy to harden up.
I am not going to suggest that boys and girls are the same or that they should be. I am just taking a look at Anger in men. I have had couples and individuals come to me and present with “anger management issues” (of the man). They came because there have been tendencies for him to explode. In the majority of these cases anger is often the presenting symptom of an underlying malaise. Other times the anger is internalized, and depression is the result (implosion).
John’s father was very quick to yell and expected him to do exactly what he was told to do. There was never to be any retort to what Mom and Dad said. Compliance was expected. John grew to adulthood, and although he hated those aspects of his father, he found he could be very critical of his spouse and get emotionally charged when they had a disagreement. It kept happening. As we explored it in therapy, it became very clear that the anger was only a Secondary Emotion and that the Primary Emotions were some of the vulnerable one he could never express in his childhood. Poor John couldn’t even identify the feelings at times, and they were quickly converted to anger. When he and his wife argued he would often be hurt by some of the things she said and he was unable to articulate or identify the hurt and would quickly jump to accusations about her behavior. They would get trapped in a cycle and things worsened.
In the therapeutic endeavor John learned to identify the roots of his problem and to identify and express his Primary (real) emotion to his wife which helped him to feel more understood and her to respond in a more loving way.. Elevated anger rarely helps a spouse to feel loving towards the angry partner. Anger is a good emotion when expressed appropriately. It is used by men, often unconsciously, as a protection against being vulnerable in their intimate relationships. There are a lot of men who feel lonely and misunderstood. They can’t change the societal or cultural reasons for their issues but they can learn to get in touch with their vulnerable emotions, express them and build more intimacy and connection.