You would be very wise to start trying to check yourself and your feelings.
You might ask, “What do I mean?” I mean that too often couples will express a ‘safe emotion’ unconsciously. Many people have lost touch with certain emotions, like sad, hurt, lonely or frightened and readily jump to anger. It is a safe emotion because it prevents me from being vulnerable with you. Think about it! …….. When I get angry it will often push the other away.
Anger is a healthy emotion and one that we do need to have in our repertoire. The problem with anger is not inherent in the emotion itself but has more to do with how and why we express it. Frequently, unhealthy anger is accompanied by finger pointing and accusations. It attacks the other and tends to exclude my part in the problematic aspect of our relationship.
Also, anger is often the Secondary Emotion in intimate relationships. The Primary emotion is usually subconscious or unconscious. So, the root of my problem with you is obscured and you are left confused. When I look a little deeper, I am more likely to connect with my true feelings and they are often, lonely, sad, frightened or hurt. I long to be more connected with you. Usually there has been a part of my history, especially childhood, that has taught me that these emotions are to be held in. That can be that my family or context was too volatile and I could not express them. It can also be that we had some unwritten rules in our home that gave me the clear message that life would be happier and smoother if we just left the emotions out of things. In both childhood contexts this approach worked. I was safer or happier. This trained me to ignore certain emotions and it’s what I then brought into my intimate, committed relationship.
Why is that then a problem? Well, parent child relationships are different and have less expectations of the other, in terms of ‘getting me’. A child is basically happy if s/he has enough food, good housing, parents who don’t hurt them, have vacations, celebrate birthdays and holidays and can play. My childhood can seem totally happy if all these are met. This is true even if I am not able to express my emotions. However, in an intimate relationship my needs and expectations are different. I want to know and be known by you and when I am (or think I am) then I can experience love.
If you don’t know my true feelings then I will never be able to experience being fully loved because I know that you are not getting me.
A recent client put this beautifully. She and her husband had just had some harsh words and she knew, as a result of therapy, that she was about to turn to anger. Instead of following her previously unconscious reaction, she said, “give me a minute” and put her head down on the countertop which gave her time to Check Herself (reflect). They didn’t escalate. She had tapped in to her Primary emotions and did not unconsciously jump to anger (Secondary emotion).
It’s very hard to break old habits without good therapy.