Couples On The Brink Of Divorce. The American Political Situation Has A Lot In Common With A Couple Who Have left The Problem Festering For Too Long.
Polarization and demonization. It’s all finger pointing at the other and a lack of preparedness to acknowledge my own problems and see the poisonous dynamic that is mutually created. There is a lack of awareness of what the problems are.
With a couple it differs in at least one sense. The partners chose to be with each other and were IN LOVE.
I consider myself to be very blessed to be able to listen to the stories of the people I work with and try to help them to have happier relationships. I have couples come to me who are relating quite well and feel a need to be proactive by building up their relationship and trying to prevent a deterioration in their communication and intimacy. They want to build back better. I also have others who are at their wits end and think they have tried everything to break the cycle that is stressing them out. Today that can mean that they have tried to talk but things tend to go south quickly. They may have read articles or listened to podcasts. Some have been to Couples Retreats and some have already been to Couples Therapy. They have softened their tones, been more direct, tried to do dates, gone for Individual Therapy, prayed earnestly, complied, etc. and “nothing works”. Over the last year or two with the rapid development and availability of AI, they have used Chatbots and tried to get information on relationships from AI.
While all these resources can assist, they are often not sufficient to bring about the changes we desire. In the room of a well trained Couples Therapist there is a neutral party who is solidly trained to engage with the partners and try to identify the patterns that are mutually created and destructive. By the time the partners come to my office the patterns are usually well established and leave the individuals with a sense of despair. These patterns have their origin in the childhood of each person. All of us have learned ways we ‘should be’ as a result of our childhood perceptions of what seemed to be expected from us. We all can see that a childhood with unhealthy parental behaviors, will have negatively impacted some aspects of a child’s behaviors and perceptions. Many of the clients I have worked with, who came from, ‘good parents who worked hard, celebrated my birthdays and the holidays, provided good food and shelter, helped me get education and facilitated me developing friendships”, find it very difficult to see how they could have any warped view of themselves as a result of that background.
I have had grown, not inclined to be emotionally vulnerable, clients start to cry while we explore their childhoods. When I ask why they are crying I have heard things like, “Tony I love my parents’ or ‘I feel so guilty talking like this’. I emphasize that I am not doubting their love (from what they have said) and that it is normal to feel disloyal when this exploration is being done. I try to help them see that what they are doing is trying to have empathy for the child that they were, so as to be more in control of things they think, choose or do. That, in doing this, they can experience a liberation to be who they truly are rather than who they thought they had to be. I will have less reactivity and choose more frequently. I can CATCH myself from thoughts and actions that are damaging to my intimate relationship.
The beauty of good couples Therapy is that I learn about myself in the presence of my partner and we build true understanding and will have less of a tendency to personalize. This is not just technique. Techniques can be picked up from books, podcasts, blogs (like this one), Retreats, AI and Chatbots. The Couples Therapist with the couple, work as a team to try develop new and relevant understandings. The truth will arise from our connection and openness. It evolves in a unique way. Unique to this couple. I have never worked with any person or couple who were the same. There are tools out there that are useful but they, unlike good Couples Therapy, are generic. DON’T WAIT. TAKE ACTION. FIND A COUPLES THERAPIST WHO YOU CAN RELATE TO.